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Brian Vagina
Brian Vagina is a shitcore producer, multi-instrumentalist, visual artist, performance artist, writer, stand-up comedian and mogul from the Northwest United States. He is famously known as the drummer for the pioneering, proto-shitcore act Uncle Jesse & The Rippers, and as prolific solo artist releasing under his own name Early Life Brian Vagina was born to two fucking weirdos in the asshole of the American Northwest. He was generally a lonely child who tended to play by himself and had very few friends. By the time he was a teenager, he had begun acting like a total autist and dyed his hair red for some fucking reason. It was during this time that he was given the nickname Aspie the Retard and first met Sean Spoon with whom he would form his disastrous first band, Head Full of Eyeballs, later re-named to just The Eyeballs. He had originally learned to play guitar and bass, but switched to drums because he was the only person who could hold a fucking beat for fucks sake. The Eyeballs disbanded following a local Battle of The Bands performance in which they played the Weezer song Undone, and then trashed their equipment pretending to be Nirvana. Career Formation of Uncle Jesse & ''Oedipussy Galore'' Edit Following the disbanding of The Eyeballs, Sean Spoon conceived of an act of revenge on the high school that hosted the event. Spoon, Vagina, and their mutual friend Chris Harrison (Chrissy The Pope), would go up on stage in costumes, pretending to be a noise rock band called Uncle Jesse & The Rippers, to mess with the audience and the staff. The plan never came to fruition though as The Eyeballs performance was so terrible that the school district put a permanent ban on Battle of The Bands competitions, and the administrator responsible for organizing the event mysteriously vanished. By 2012 Uncle Jesse & The Rippers had become an inside joke between the trio and after a night of binge-watching Full House while getting high on acid & McDoubles, the three decided to record an album. They placed Spoon's cell phone in the middle of their garage and recorded themselves effectively shitting and breaking instruments for 30 or so minutes. This album would be dubbed Oedipussy Galore and released on bandcamp. To their shock however, the album achieved success on the underground blogging music scene who were always on a quest for another dumb ass microgenre to latch onto. First Breakup Due to the success of Oedipussy Galore, ''the band was prematurely thrust under the spotlight. This caused tension on the trio, exacerbated by their burgeoning substance abuse. After several attempts at recording a follow up album, the band suddenly disbanded after an explosive fight between Vagina and Spoon. The two would sever all personal and professional ties and the band separated. '''The Clusterfuck Experience & ''Jefferson Boatship' In 2012 after the first disbandment of Uncle Jesse & The Rippers, Vagina joined a local screamo band called The Clusterfuck Experience. They only recorded one single, Freud Sings The Blues, before their lead vocalist Billy Nomates was tragically killed at an open mic performance, during which the crowd began to mosh uncontrollably and the bullshit hipster coffee house collapsed. Shortly thereafter Vagina created the pseudonymn Jefferson Boatship and released a self-titled debut album. The album fell by the wayside however, as the buzz surrounding the Uncle Jesse breakup had died down. A second Jefferson Boatship album, entitled ''Jefferson Boatship II, ''was finished but never officially released. It eventually leaked onto the internet in 2016. '''Reformation of Uncle Jesse and ''Songs In Every Key Except A Minor' Two years later, after both Spoon and Vagina had attempted and failed to start solo careers, the two reconciled their creative differences and plans for a new Uncle Jesse album were set out. Chris, however, refused the offer to join again, citing his want to focus on his newfound career as a fucking goddamn botanist if you can believe that shit, what a weenie. The two hired their mutual friend Maxwell Payne Danger Adventure Action Gunter Warp-Speed Overdrive to fill in Chris's spot. Recording commenced at Sean Spoon's home, where the band put together a makeshift studio and set out to create an album more cohesive than their debut. The final result, 2014's ''Songs In Every Key Except A Minor, ''was a tremendous success and transformed the band from cult classic pioneers to noise rock superstars. '''World Tour and ''Triforcing My Dick in Your Mouth' Edit After the completion and success of ''Songs In Every Key Except A Minor, ''the trio teamed up with additional members C4rr1-T (a keyboard playing robot designed by Overdrive) and Aunt Becky (Brian's younger sister) and launched a year long world tour, during which the band would cause at least 3 riots, and get banned from nearly every major venue in North America. This garnered the band a lot of attention and caused nearly every show to sell out within nanoseconds by the end of the tour. Exhausted after a successful and hilarious-meme-filled tour, the trio brought their live band into the studio to record a third album. Originally intending to be a self-titled followup record in the same style as ''Songs In Every Key Except A Minor, ''the project quickly expanded into an expansive double album, now given the title ''Triforcing My Dick in Your Mouth. ''The album was released in early 2015 to critical fanfare, many considered the album to be their White Album, others who think the white album is a fucking mess, compared it to Kid A, or some other good taste garbage like that. '''Hiatus, ''Fullest Houses, and second breakup.' Edit Much to the chagrin of their record label, Uncle Jesse & The Rippers refused to tour behind ''Triforcing My Dick in Your Mouth, ''citing their dislike of playing live, and being banned from every venue in the country. The strain between them and their record label would only greaten when the band submitted to them their next studio album, then titled ''No Dave No Deal. A violent and electronic reaction piece to the announcement of a reboot of Full House planned for 2016, was shelved by the label for fear it would confuse and anger fans. In protest they created their own label, Jesseverse Records, through which they released a live album entitled DOUGZILLA!, ''which contained a recording of the only show the band played to support ''Triforcing My Dick In Your Mouth, as well as bonus material''. Shortly after this the band dissolved Jesseverse Records and promptly went silent. During this time Sean Spoon took on lead production duties and assembled an album titled ''Jesse Death, ''which would act as a companion piece to ''No Dave No Deal Eventually, due to a loophole in the band's contract, Overdrive's lawyers were able to re-obtain the rights to the band's entire catalogue, including the still unfinished No Dave No Deal. Vagina then announced on Twitter that the band would be releasing both albums as a double album entitled Fullest Houses, and that it would be their final recording under the name Uncle Jesse & The Rippers. Two teaser trailers for the album was made, and it was finally released on December 25th, 2015 to bewilderment from fans. The album took a vast conceptual approach to their sound, and utilized more instrumentalism and studio trickery than vocals and lyrics. The album also took influence from electronic music, noise and hip-hop, which left many fans extremely confused as it deviated heavily from the band's previous butt-rock influenced sound. Chevy's Chase part 1'', Vortex of Crap, and The Autistics ' Just months ''Fullest Houses ''was release, Vagina began to assemble a collection of unfinished works and sketches. Originally intending to release them as-is as part of a multi-volume album series, Vagina found inspiration in the ideas and strived to flesh them out into a complete, cohesive project. The album, ''Chevy's Chase part 1, ''launched his solo career, and grabbed the attention of the underground shitcore label, Vortex of Crap, who quickly signed him. In January of 2016, Vagina formed a new band called The Autistics, with which he would release the metal influenced album ''Stop Speaking Internet Chinese!. '' '''Chevy's Chase 2, fffff and Viet Cong Furries In February 2016, Vagina created the alias ffffff, through which he began to release highly experimental albums. He also teamed up with frequent collaborator Boypussy Atheist to form the soupergroup Viet Cong Furries. The duo released their first album, Zayn Rand, in May 2016. In March 2016, Vagina announced that the followup to his debut mixtape, Chevy's Chase 2: Special Low Spaghetti Edition, ''would be released sometime in the coming months. The album, originally planned to contain 64 tracks, was continually delayed and expanded until eventually being released in April with 100 tracks. On April 29th, Vagina announced the cover of his next full-length release, ''Talent: The Album, but quickly put the project on the backburner to complete work on his collaborative effort with Vortex of Crap's BUN. He was sidetracked from completion of the project again when, in June of 2016, he was commissioned by David Cameron, alongside Boypussy Atheist, DOWN THOROUGHLY, IRL Girlfriend and BUN to create an album detailing Britain's decision to leave the EU. Talent: The Album In July Vagina posted a music video on his channel for a live jam entitled DICKYFUCK, based around a sample of the Lil Dicky song Professional Rapper. The single however was quickly overshadowed when Vagina suddenly released Talent: The Album ''the next day. The album garnered controversy for its avant garde nature (the album consisted of 30 tracks wherein Vagina flushed a toilet then laughed, presumably at the audience). This move was seen by many as a dismissal of his own success and a jab at his label, Vortex of Crap, though Vagina later clarified that the album was in fact aimed at his critics, who did not believe his music had artistic merit. "''It's stupid to think that Talent was meant to attack VoC" ''he wrote on his twitter account shortly after the album's release ''"those guys, they're my family and if I did have an issue, I would just take it up with them. I wouldn't release a fucking album about it, that's something a petulant little child would do. That's something EC would do" '' He then went on another rant when a fan, @mingegurglexD, questioned whether or not he was going to make a "real" album soon. He wrote: "''Talent IS a real album, as far as I see it, kid. It's a real expression of how I felt after CC2 came out. People were discrediting me left and right, big outlets we're turning up their nose, and I felt like goofing on their whole pretentious shtick. You can argue all day long whether or not a toilet flush holds artistic merit, but at the end of the day, I'm happy with it. As for future plans, I'm not sure." Deletion of Vortex of Crap & First Hiatus On September 11th 2016, Vagina was was drugged and kidnapped by Micheal Dicksense and his legion of retarded mouth-breathing retards and escorted to the secret VoC headquarters in Batman, Turkey. There he was investigated as a suspect of the great deletion of Vortex of Crap. In truth this was the first he'd heard of the deletion incident and he was saddened to find out that he did not have backup files for Talent: The Album, Zayn Rand ''or and of the ffffff albums. Then, shortly after the deletion the news came out that BUN, who was one of Vaginas closest friends and collaborators on the label, was cutting all ties from VoC and it's artists. This news sent Vagina into a spiral of depression and food addiction. He gained ike 60 pounds and didnt go outside for 3 weeks. '''Return From Hiatus & ''The Next President...' Brian Vagina, now a resident of the United States again after a year abroad, found the passion to create once again on the night of the 2016 presidential election. He was determined to make and release a new political themed album before the results were announced later that night. Right before the announcement took place Vagina uploaded the album ''The Next President of The United States Will Be Assassinated, ''a 13 track album detailing his feelings about the election and its various participants. 'The Brian Vagina Show 1/2 ''and ''Fuck Off (I'm Black).' Vagina contributed production for the second IRL Girlfriend album ''Raditude 2, and released an EP titled Brian Vagina Goes to The DMV ''in which he goes to the DMV and records shit idk it was kind of stupid tbh. He then followed this up a few weeks later with the twin EPs, ''The Brian Vagina Show and The Brian Vagina Show 2. ''The EPs showcased a much harsher and more antagonistic sound which received mixed reviews from fans. Shortly after this, Vagina teamed up with Vortex Of Crap (the artist) and Yellow Moon to release the extremely poorly received and controversial collaborative album ''Fuck Off (I'm Black). ''The album is considered by many to be the worst shitcore album ever produced, often compared ''Dickjob Fuckjob Sexjob by Llewd Llewyn and The KKK Is A-ok by Le Abortion Le Rape, among other poorly received shitcore albums. The Great Autistic Emancipation of Early 2017 & Second Hiatus On Christmas eve, 2016, Vagina was found unconscious in his parent's living room. He had fallen into an autistic coma after he relapsed to playing Minecraft again. Doctors said that his body was overloaded by the temptation of Minecraft and went on a hard binge, he was taken to the hospital in critical condition. He remained in his coma until February 12th, 2017. After his release from the hospital, Vagina was searching for a cure. He contacted former Uncle Jesse member Benjamin Maxwell Pain Danger Adventure Warp-Speed Overdrive for help. Overdrive revealed to Vagina a device he'd invented called the S.P.E.C.T.R.U.M.F.U.C.K.E.R, a sci-fi-bullshit-style ray gun that was designed to isolate the natural vaccines in the patient's bloodstream and safely and harmlessly remove them, thus curing the patients autism. Vagina was ecstatic at the prospect of being free from his life-long illness. Eager to begin, Vagina hastily forgot to wear the required lead apron and, upon being blasted, something strange occurred. The natural vaccines left Vagina's body easily, but before they could be safely deactivated, they began to manifest into something else. It was at that moment that Overdrive realized that something was horribly wrong and he attempted to fire at the mound of congealed vaccines on the floor. The hideous pile of nonsense was struck by the laser-blast and a metamorphosis began. It grew legs, arms, and a pasty white head. When the smoke cleared, standing before the pair was a 7 foot tall feels.jpg man. He wore a mask with a smiling face on it, and underneath you could just glimpse a grimace and tears running down his face. Vagina attempted to approach the physical manifestation of his autism, but the feels man shrieked and jumped out of a nearby window. Vagina was happy to be rid of his autism, but he soon realized that without that side of him, he was but a normal man. His autism was the root of his insane creativity, and without it, he had no ability to make quality meme music. Vagina announced via twitter that he would be taking a long hiatus to search for his missing autism. The Sensorydemons of the Asper Mountains & ''I Was Contractually Obligated...'' The first stop on Vagina's retarded journey was the Asper Mountains, where vaccines were invented. He figured that the monster may have returned to it's place of origin by some biological order. While scaling the mountains, Vagina found himself surrounded by evil Sensorydemons. These winged creatures descended upon him like vultures but Vagina's wits were quick, and he quickly dispatched them with a flaming sword from a anime. He wasn't totally safe, however, and he took refuge inside a nearby cave before more Sensorydemons showed up. Once inside, Vagina noticed he had 200 unread messages from Michael Dicksense. Dicksense was warning Vagina that he had yet to release an album in 2017, which violated the contract he had signed upon joining the label. In order to not be dropped, Vagina had to release an album before the end of the day. Used to creating albums in difficult circumstances, Vagina pulled out his porn computer (aka, The Faptop) and set to work on phoning in some crap. The album he released was titled I Was Contractually Obligated To Make This Album. Despite it's phoned-in nature, the record was received relatively well. Now that he had staved off his inevitable removal from Vortex of Crap, Vagina set his sights on the next step in his quest, scaling the summit of the mountain and talking to The Great Wizard of This Is Getting Pedantic. If anybody knew where the monster would go, it would be him. The Great Wizard, Pretending to be Vortex of Crap, and ''Take Out Your Dick...'' When Vagina reached the summit, he was greeted by the wizard's armed guards. He hadn't expected security, but he knew the Great Wizard's guards would only let the most important dignitaries see him. Quickly he devised a plan. Once again, Vagina relied on his trusty faptop and quickly whipped up an album emulating the style of Vortex Of Crap. Amazingly, the guards actually believed that he was Michael Dicksense (Probably because theyre autistic, everything in this place is autism themed) and let him through. Once inside Vagina spoke with the Great Wizard and asked him where he might be able to find his missing autism. The Wizard told him that the creature would be attracted to high concentrated areas of autism, and that if he wasn't in the Asper Mountains then he had no idea where it could be. Defeated, Vagina took the long hike back down the mountain. While on the long journey home, Vagina stopped off at his best friend and Uncle Jesse band-mate Chris's house. Together they got really drunk and played Fallout New Vegas and created a collaborative EP called Take Your dick Out and Slap it against Your Forehead. ''When he woke up the next morning, completely naked on Harrison's bathroom floor, he had an epiphany. The autism beast is naturally attracted to areas of high autism, but he wasn't in the Asper mountains. This means, due to flawless logic, that the beast must be in the second most autistic place in the world. All he would have to do is find out where that is. 'The Unbourne Idendidy ''and the Pooshee Plantation.' In March of 2017, Vagina received an anonymous email from the deep web containing a map to the second most autistic place in the world, It looked to be in a place called the Pooshee Plantation in South Carolina. there was a problem, however, as Vagina had spent all of his travel funds on his first expedition and left himself next to nothing. Normally he would generate a steady income from his music but nobody had bought any of his recent post-autism albums, as they were all fucking terrible and phoned-in. Discouraged, Vagina spent the last of his money on cheeseburgers and intended to kill himself when he developed a plan. He had previously overheard Michael Dicksense announce that the next Vortex Of Crap album would be titled The Unbourne Identity. ''Vagina, being the devious little son of a bitch he is, decided that he would make an album called ''The Unbourne Idendidy ''and attempt to cash in on Vortex Of Crap's popularity. Initial sales were good, however Michael Dicksense was not impressed and attempted to file a lawsuit against Vagina. The case was thrown out, however, when a judge said that both were potentially infringing on the copyright of the Jason Bourne films. The two settled out of court for an undisclosed number of knee's in the bollocks. Thankfully, the net profit after the court case was positive and Vagina was able to fly to North Carolina. When he arrived at the Pooshee Plantation he was greeted by the Plantation's owner, Admiral Lee T. B. J. L. Pooshee. Pooshee revealed that their plantation had been home to many runaway autism monsters over the years. After describing the monster to Pooshee, he revealed that he had in fact, stayed there, but that he had moved on to the third most autistic place in the world, which happened to be the server farm housing all of Vortex Of Crap. Vagina hitchhiked his way to the server farm, located under the Kentucky Fried Chicken HQ in Kentucky. Visual Art Brian Vagina, as well as being a celebrated musician, is also a prolific visual artist, creating the album artwork for not only his own releases, but every Uncle Jesse release, as well as creating artwork for frequent collaborators like Boypussy Atheist/Ishmael Bebop and IRL Girlfriend and his zine, Nihilistic Anti-Music. He has also done many exhibitions and performance art pieces which have caused a good amount of controversy. These have included the piece "Fuck England" where he dropped his pants and took a shit on stage while meeting The Queen, the piece "Helicoptering My Dick at Police Officers Until They Shoot Me" where he did exactly that, and arguably his most famous piece "9/11" in which he orchestrated terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. Discography '''Solo' * Chevy's Chase, part 1 * Gators On My Feet EP * Untitled EP * Rape Productions EP * EP Where I Kill Myself * Chevy's Chase 2: Special Low Spaghetti Version * Bottom(less) Text EP* * Talent: The Album* * The Next President Of The United States Will Be Assasinated * Brian Vagina Goes to The DMV * The Brian Vagina Show * The Brian Vagina Show 2 * I Was Contractually Obligated To Make This as ffffff * lol* * http :// internet dot meme* * * * The Album* Brian Vagina & The Autistics * Stop Speaking Internet Chinese! * Violently Euphoric (TBA) Viet Cong Furries * Zayn Rand* * Viet Cong Furries 2 (TBA) 'Uncle Jesse & The Rippers/Uncle Jesse 2.0' * Oedipussy Galore * Songs In Every Key Except A Minor * Triforcing My Dick in Your Mouth * DOUGZILLA: Uncle Jesse & The Rippers LIVE * Fullest Houses * Uncle Jesse V (TBA) Collaborative Albums * Meme Spagetu (w/ Chrissy The Pope) * Killing 60 Minutes (w/ Maximum Overdrive) * Whup Out My Dick n Killa Bitch (w/ Sean Spoon) * BUN more like BUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (w/ BUN)* * Shut Up (I'm Black) (w/ Vortex of Crap & Yellow Moon) * Take Your dick Out and Slap it against Your Forehead EP (w/ Chrissy The Pope) * Inner Turmoil 2: Double Trouble (w/ Vortex Of Crap and Cii) *album was lost in the deletion of Vortex of Crap